The actual figure is likely to be higher.
A growing body of evidence shows that abandonment is a significant contributor to anxiety and depression. If you were abandoned physically or emotionally as a child, the chances are that abandonment issues are an underlying demon lurking behind your anxiety and depression.
We can also abandon ourselves. If you don’t trust yourself, or repress parts of your personality that you believe is not acceptable, you are abandoning your True self and pushing it into the shadow. [1]
You also abandon yourself by adopting other people’s preferences, beliefs and ideas just to fit in. This is something I was guilty of as a teenager, but I’d also been emotionally abandoned by my parents and sibling.
Comforting, compassion and understanding are basic human needs that instil emotional security and psychological stability.
According to attachment theory, my psychological development aligned with both anxious-ambivalent attachment and anxious-avoidant attachment.
Abandonment falls into the latter category and usually develops in children that are disciplined for expressing emotions that are considered “unacceptable behaviour”. Subsequently, you learn to suppress your emotions.
Other symptoms that are prominent in people with abandonment issues are feelings of rejection, loss, and hopelessness. When someone experiences abandonment, it can lead to a sense of disconnection from yourself and isolation from others.
In some cases, the fear of abandonment can become a pervasive and debilitating anxiety. This is observable in individuals that withdraw from relationships or avoid emotional intimacy altogether.
However, isolation and lack of support typically exacerbate feelings of depression which debilitate the individual even more. If you fall into the pit of depression, you lose the energy and inclination to engage with life altogether. Subsequently, your social life and career suffer.
Individuals that show symptoms of abandonment usually engage in negative self-talk. You may also harbour beliefs that are not worthy of love or attention. These beliefs can be conscious or unconscious.
Such negative beliefs generally contribute to low self-esteem together with feelings of guilt and shame. Ultimately, these symptoms lead to increased levels of anxiety and depression.
Abandonment issues can occur as a result of a variety of experiences or circumstances. The following list is the most common causes of abandonment issues:
Abandonment issues can stem from childhood experiences, such as neglect, and physical or emotional abuse. The loss of a parent [2] through divorce, death, or separation has been linked with abandonment issues.
Traumatic experiences, such as sexual assault, domestic violence, war, or displacement can cause feelings of abandonment. The result is a lack of trust in your caregivers and authority in general which surfaces as feelings of betrayal and disconnection from others in later life.
Experiencing rejection, whether it be in romantic relationships, your peers, siblings, parents, or from other social groups, can trigger feelings of inadequacy. Here we see the roots of a lack of self-worth and feelings that you are not loveable start to grow.
Individuals that do not feel they fit in with their peers or social groups typically develop feelings of abandonment and rejection. Essentially, they have no sense of belonging.
“If you have the feeling that you don’t belong, the root cause in this situation is rejection and abandonment, either physically or emotionally. This archetypal energy belongs to the Unhealthy Everyman.”
~ Richard J. Oldale, The 3 Keys That Fight Anxiety and Depression
As a creative introvert, I didn’t feel as though I fitted in with my peers. Because I went along with what they liked to do even though I didn’t, I abandoned myself. When I did start to find things that interested me, my friends ridiculed me for being different.
Major life transitions, such as moving to a new city, changing jobs, or ending a relationship, can trigger feelings of uncertainty about the future. If you already have abandonment issues from one of the causes mentioned above, these feelings can persist and cause you to become paranoid. You then start withdrawing and isolating yourself from others.
It’s important to note that not everyone who experiences these circumstances will develop abandonment issues. And not all abandonment issues manifest in the same way.
The development of abandonment issues typically emerge from individual coping mechanisms [3] designed to help you handle stressful periods of your life. Seeking professional help can be an important step in addressing abandonment issues and developing healthy coping strategies.
Healing from abandonment can be a complex and challenging process, but with patience and persistence, it is possible to overcome the pain and move forward. Here are some steps you can take to begin the healing process:
The first step to healing is self-realisation. Recognising and acknowledging the symptoms of abandonment gives you access to a healing path. If you try to deny or suppress your emotions, the mild symptoms of abandonment will develop into anxiety and depression.
It’s worth noting that anxiety and depression are huge red flags that something is wrong in your life that needs addressing.
Reach out to friends, family, a psychological therapist or a self-development program that can offer emotional support, help you work through your feelings and bring you into self-awareness.
Joining a social group of like-minded people can also give you a sense of belonging. You need to be around people that respect you and appreciate you for who you are.
Take care of your physical and emotional needs by engaging in activities that nourish your body and soul. A good diet and exercise are good places to start. Taking care of yourself will release neurochemicals and hormones that make you feel better and lift your mood.
Starting a hobby or project that excites you is also good for nurturing your emotional well-being. Essentially, you need something in your life that brings you satisfaction and a feeling of self-fulfilment.
Building healthy relationships with supportive people who treat you with respect and kindness is a great antidote for healing abandonment. However, it only works if you recognise the worth you bring to the relationship and to the world in general.
To overcome feelings of abandonment, you have to realise you are loveable and that you can trust yourself to fulfil your obligations and meet your goals. If needs be make “You Got This” your mantra to build self-confidence and self-esteem. This is one of the keys to fighting anxiety and depression.
Take a closer look at your relationships and identify any patterns that may contribute to feelings of abandonment. For example, do you tend to choose partners who are emotionally unavailable or distant? Do your friends talk over you or dismiss the points you are trying to make?
“If you are surrounded by people who cross their eyes and look with disgust up at the ceiling when you are in the room, when you speak, when you act and react, then you are with the people who douse passions—yours and probably their own as well. These are not the people who care about you, your work, your life.”
~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D, Women Who Run With Wolves
Abandonment can lead to negative beliefs about yourself and your relationships. Challenge these beliefs by looking for evidence that contradicts them. There are tools in the Anxiety & Depression program that help you to tackle this issue.
It’s a self-development cliche these days, but that’s because it’s true. Letting go of anger and resentment towards the people you feel abandoned you, frees you from the psychological shackles you have bound yourself up in.
In most cases, the people that abandoned you (parents, teachers peers) were probably not even consciously aware of the negative effect they were having on you.
There’s also a good chance that you fall into this category. Think about a time when made someone else felt abandoned without realising it. This will make forgiving other people easier if you struggle with it at first.
Remember that healing from abandonment is a journey, and it may take time and effort to fully recover. Be kind and patient with yourself, and seek help if you need it.
[1] https://www.thesap.org.uk/articles-on-jungian-psychology-2/about-analysis-and-therapy/the-shadow/
