Shame is an emotion that makes you feel as though you are not good enough. The wound can open when you feel a lack of belonging because you are not worthy.
The wounds deepen as you mature and experience rejection and failure because you were never taught how to overcome adversity and learn from your mistakes.
Subsequently, shame emerges in the shadows of your mind, lurking silently yet powerfully, shaping your behaviours, thoughts, and sense of self-worth.
One of the leading commentators on this topic, Brené Brown, points out, shame is "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
Understanding how shame operates in your psyche and how to heal from it is crucial for emotional well-being and personal growth.
Shame is characterised by feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and humiliation. Underlying this debilitating emotion is the false belief that “I am not good enough.”
It typically has its roots in early childhood experiences, although it can develop at any stage of life.
According to developmental psychologists, children are especially vulnerable to shame because they are in the process of forming their identity and understanding their place in the world.
If you were raised in an environment in which your primary caregivers, authority figures, or peers express disapproval or disgust, you probably internalised these reactions as reflections of your worthiness.
Subsequently, these early experiences become a false belief.
Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby, emphasises the importance of early relationships with caregivers. If a child's caregiver is neglectful, inconsistent, overly critical, or abusive, the child is more likely to develop a deep sense of shame.
What’s more, you may have learnt to generalise how others see you and associate your feelings of worthiness with the approval of others.
Even seemingly minor experiences, like being ridiculed in school, can embed shameful beliefs deep within your psyche. As you grow older, shame continues to shape your internal dialogue.
You may recognise some of them:
“I’m such an idiot.”
“I’m ugly.”
“I’m no use to anybody.”
“Nobody will ever want me.”
"I don't deserve to be happy.”
"I can't do anything right.”
"I always ruin everything.”
"I don't belong here."
Messages from society, culture, and media reinforce certain standards for success, appearance, and behaviour. And oftentimes, these ideas are unrealistic.
Social media has arguably ramped up these feelings of inadequacy and not being worthy. Social media is a toxic environment, but it’s also an illusion. The lifestyles you see other people sharing about themselves are snapshots and don’t tell the whole story.
Don’t feel as though you have to meet the unrealistic standards that media makes you believe is the benchmark.
You may remember I mentioned superficiality earlier. Say hello to celebrity media. Then tell them to fuck off because they are fake, boring and uninspiring.
Moreover, don’t internalise feelings of shame just because you are different from other people.
Why should you feel ashamed about being unique?
Shame can be a hidden driver behind many psychological struggles, from anxiety and depression to perfectionism and addiction.
Research has shown that shame is deeply connected to a sense of unworthiness and disconnection. It can create an ongoing cycle of negative self-talk, where individuals criticise and berate themselves for not being "good enough.”
This internal chatter shapes your behaviour in significant ways — most of which is subconscious meaning you are conscious of what you are doing but do not know why you are doing it.
For example, you may lie about your perceived weaknesses and flaws to save face. You may also say you like something that you don’t to fit in with a group of people.
You tell these little white lies to avoid being judged by others. It is a desperation to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance.
Once you get to the point where you go into isolation/hibernation mode, you’re on the straight and narrow all the way to depression.
I’ve been there. It’s not a great place to be.
Alternatively, you may try to overcompensate for your feelings through perfectionism and seeking constant validation to prove your worth.
Shame is an interpersonal emotion and shows up as embarrassment, humiliation, and shyness. Its physical symptoms cause you to blush, look away, hide your face, and collapse your posture.
A study published in Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy suggests that shame is often linked to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), particularly in individuals who have experienced abuse or violence.
As mentioned above, shame is typically seeded in childhood through negative experiences with our parents, family members, teachers and peers.
In this next section, we are going to take a closer look at some real-world scenarios which can seed the roots of shame.
Shame might result from feeling different or not understood in your family. This is often felt in adults who consider themselves as the proverbial black sheep of the family.
In reality, your family don’t share the same worldview as you, which makes it difficult for you to fit into the family structure. You probably felt as though you were treated unfairly, either by being unjustly punished or ridiculed for your views, despite seeing the flaws in the reasoning of your family members.
When this happens to a child, void of the worldly knowledge, experience and vocabulary to communicate what you see into words, you feel as though you are not being heard — and even worse, that what you have to say is not worth listening to.
Being alienated belittled, or bullied in school often results in shame because it triggers feelings of rejection, unworthiness and a lack of connection.
Human beings are social creatures who seek acceptance and belonging, especially in peer groups. When someone is excluded or ridiculed by their peers, they may internalise this rejection as a reflection of their own inadequacy.
Over time, this social exclusion can lead to feelings of shame, as the individual begins to believe they are inherently flawed or unlovable.
Research shows that prolonged peer alienation can damage self-esteem, reinforcing shame-based beliefs and contributing to long-term emotional distress and isolation.
An important key to healing from shame is recognising that inside of your embarrassment, sense of failure, or experience of rejection lies your undeniably legitimate human needs — to feel loved, accepted, acknowledged and appreciated.
Children rely on adults, especially caregivers, for validation and a sense of self-worth. When approval and reassurance are not forthcoming, the seeds of shame are planted.
Frequent criticism or negative feedback which is not balanced with support or understanding, sends a message of failure or inadequacy, which can deeply affect their self-esteem and emotional development into adulthood.
This may have resulted in you internalising the disapproval of adults with the belief that your behaviour reflects who you are. When parts of your innate personality are not approved of, you learn to associate your whole identity as inherently flawed or “bad.”
Some adults may even project their own shame onto children. I heard teachers at my school drop the old “shame on you” chestnut on kids many a time.
“I hope you’re ashamed of yourself” was another one children from this region were subjected to.
Leave a note in the comments and tell us about your own experiences.
A rejection, criticism, or feeling abandoned by one or both of your parents can be potent sources of shame. Such responses reinforce seeds of feeling inadequate and unworthy.
Similarly, shame can be installed in the subconscious when a child expresses excitement which is not matched by a parent. If you were met with disdain, disinterest or discontent it is perceived as a rejection.
For example, you may have brought home a drawing you did at school and instead of celebrating your mediocre artistic qualities, your father clearly shows that he is unimpressed and hands the drawing back to you.
Shame can also occur when a child's efforts and accomplishments are not valued or recognised by adults they look up to for validation.
When I earned the second most merit marks in our class and was given a pen as a prize, I felt proud of my achievements and rightly so. When I announced my success to my father, his response was, “Why didn’t you come first?”
A lack of acknowledgement sends a message that your successes are either insignificant or not good enough. This naturally leads the child to question their abilities and worthiness in other aspects of life.
Over time, this lack of acknowledgement can foster feelings of inadequacy which causes a false belief to creep in — that no matter how hard you try, you will never meet expectations or be worthy of praise.
Not only does this erode your self-esteem and confidence, but it can make you decide not to even bother trying in the first place.
An accumulation of failure and rejection is a common source of shame. Failure is a fact of life and a natural part of learning. However, if you were never shown to how to harness resilience in the face of failure, you probably didn’t recognise that it’s okay to make mistakes.
Consistent failure and rejection over time instil feelings of shame because repeated setbacks reinforce a negative self-image in individuals who do not feel good enough.
Each failure or rejection can feel like confirmation of personal inadequacy, making you believe you are inherently flawed or unworthy of success and acceptance.
This pattern of negative experiences can erode self-confidence, leading to the internalisation of shame-based beliefs.
As these experiences accumulate, they create a persistent narrative of self-doubt, making it difficult for individuals to recover from setbacks or believe in their potential.
Adults who become attached to toxic relationships often harbour shame. They are desperate for validation so keep returning to a toxic partner because they don’t have the self-belief that anybody else will want them.
On the flip side, you may be prone to self-sabotaging relationships so that you reject the other person before they reject you. This behaviour is a form of self-preservation lurking in the subconscious.
However, repeatedly self-sabotaging relationships can reinforce the feelings of shame you are carrying because you don’t think you are good enough.
According to attachment theory, when relationships consistently fail or become toxic, individuals may internalise these failures as reflections of their unworthiness.
Before we get into the specific strategies for healing shame, it’s important to understand where shame is lurking in your subconscious — and why you can’t see it clearly.
Or rather, why you refuse to see it even when you know it’s there!
Shame arises from our Shadow nature because repressed parts of our personality are not available to the conscious mind.
In various ways, we hide our weaknesses behind addictions, deceptions, lies and hiding from the world i.e. a mask, emotional structures that protect you from any wrongdoing, withdrawal from the world.
Self-preservation strategies such as ignorance, false beliefs and self-deception also hide shame from yourself. You tell yourself a story and makeup excuses that offer some reprieve from any wrongdoing.
And sometimes you even bend the truth of reality so that your shame is blocked from the light of conscious awareness.
You refuse to accept and acknowledge parts of your personality that are deemed to be unacceptable.
Now, don’t get me wrong, ignoring your Shadow is nothing to be ashamed about. Your ego is programmed to protect your self-image and your emotional security.
However, rather than hiding shame and pushing it down, you can heal it by asking yourself what you are ashamed about. What habits and behaviours make you feel ashamed?
Ignoring your weaknesses makes you feel ashamed and shame is then reflected back to you in the outer world.
In other words, you engage in habitual behaviours and privately feel ashamed. You may neglect your family or do something wrong that makes you feel ashamed in front of your family.
Or you are publicly humiliated and bring shame on yourself and the family.
How far are you prepared to let this continue?
Because the more you try to bury shame, the lesson you will have to learn to release it will get tougher.
As a recovered addict, I know that it’s possible to learn from our addictions and bad habits — and in doing so we can better ourselves as individuals.
Moreover, my research into archetypes reveals that shame is linked with four archetypes; the Caretaker, Creator, Everyman and Hero. The Sage is the healer.
Let’s take a look at the Strategies for Healing Shame.
